September 9, 2017


I’m on a diet.

Not for the first time. Over the years, I’ve been on just about every diet ever designed.

In the 60s I did the Stillman Diet. NO carbs. Not a one. What do you eat on a diet like that? Meat, un-processed cheese, and eggs. Period. You lose a pound a day. When you have reached your goal (if you survived) you regain two pounds a day.

After that, I think it was the Atkins Diet that allows twenty carbs a day. You lose a half a pound a day, and when you go off the diet, you gain back a pound a day.

I did the Metrecal for lunch thing. It gave me a great deal of gas. Had to stay in the house for at least four hours after drinking it. Didn’t do it long enough to lose anything.

Then it was Slim-Fast. Again with the gas.

I tried the diet where you eat only one item all day, and you can eat as much as you want, as often as you want. I started with a bowl of Cheerios. By dinner, I didn’t care if I ate or not, so it was a very effective diet. I only did it that one day, so my goal was a pipe dream.

I tried the diet where you drink a glass of high fiber swill before each meal. It’s another stay-home thing. Under no circumstances do you ever want to be more than thirty feet from a commode.

I did Weight Watchers, reached my goal, and became a life-long member. The thing about WW is that you eat real food, anything you want, only you control the bad things like French fries. You eat a certain number of points a day. Fries might be ten points a serving, lettuce one point. The weight I lost on WW stayed off the longest of any diet I was ever on.

Last year, my doctor told me my cholesterol was creeping up every year. I gave up red meat … beef and pork. There was a day when you could show me a deep pink prime rib and I’d be all over it. Barbecues ribs were my favorite thing of all. No more. In six months, my cholesterol dropped twenty seven points. I didn’t lose a pound

The next diet item was a long-legged dog, a Wheaton Terrier. She walks me up and down these hills twice a day … every day, rain or shine, a half hour in the morning, twenty minutes at night. I haven’t lost any weight, but I console myself by telling me how much more muscle I have now. Yeah, right.

That brings me to my current diet. It’s basically a private version of
Weight Watchers. I lost my point book, so I’m improvising.  I think of food as being from:

Column A: food that is not healthy, like the aforementioned fries and chips. I stay far, far away. Column B: food that is healthy only if prepared in a healthy way, for instance, potatoes and chicken– baked is good, fried is bad. This column includes things that are good only in controlled portions. Like cheese. I love cheese, BUT now, no more than one ounce a day. The last … Column C: … all the eat-all-you-want items, things that are healthy regardless of calories. Like avocado, high in fat, but it’s healthy fat. Salmon, again high in healthy fats. Mostly I live on salads. I’ve given up salad dressing. Only balsamic vinegar or lemon juice now. You do lose your desire to cook. One night my entire dinner was a head of steamed broccoli. Another night it was a whole bunch of asparagus.

I’m reaching the end of my third week. So far, eight pounds are gone. I have a long way to go. That’s the thing about every diet I’ve ever been on; they all work … as long as you can stand them.

Maybe I should find a Weight Watchers group and go back to the meetings. I’ve thought about that, but I was interrupted by one of my fantasies. Oprah would show up at the meeting, tell me she’d read Maude, and offer to make a movie out of it.

It could happen.

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