IT’S AN EMERGENCY

In a fit of environmental concern, I recently ordered ten rolls of bamboo toilet tissue. The ad said it compared to Charmin.

No, it doesn’t.

While it does the job, it has more the consistency of typing paper than Extra-Soft anything. I hope to try another brand in the future, but first, I have to use up what I have now. I eventually will. 

Since I was raised in a waste-not, want-not home, I can’t discard it. It’s now stored in the little cabinet for emergency use. Any toilet paper, no matter how rough, is better than no toilet paper.

This happens now and then. A while back I was in a gourmet coffee shop and bought a pound of expensive Sumatran dark roast. I was promised it was the cat’s meow. The sample in the little paper cup was rich and, as they said, robust. I like my coffee strong, and this seemed to live up to the hype.

Once I had it home and brewed up a pot, I didn’t like it. Maybe my water isn’t as good as the store’s. Maybe it was the filter I used. I don’t know, but I don’t want to drink any more. Meow or not, I’m pretty sure I can’t give it to the cat, either. I won’t just throw it away, so now I have twenty dollars’ worth of emergency coffee. It’s in the drawer next to the wrong-shape filters. Any coffee is better than no coffee.

I recently bought a mega-roll of paper towels and didn’t notice they were the kind where you have to tear off a whole sheet. I like the ones where you can choose a half sheet if that’s all you need. It’s now in the pantry next to the bargain detergent, which is better than no detergent.

In the bathroom, I have a jumbo bottle of whitening mouthwash. It burns so much, I’m pretty sure it’s made with battery acid. So, it’s now my emergency mouthwash. I also have emergency shampoo, emergency conditioner, emergency toothpaste, emergency facial moisturizer, and emergency hair spray.

It’s not a bad thing, necessarily.  

I like to think I’m prepared for any situation that might arise.

I would have to be desperate, but whatever storm comes my way, I’m ready.