The Technophobe’s Delight

I wear a little locket on a chain around my neck. It doesn’t hold a picture of my children as babies or a lock of their hair. It holds a little computer called a Fitbit. It gives me a goal of ten thousand steps a day, counts my steps, and congratulates me when I reach my mark. It also counts how far I walked, how long I sleep, how many calories I’ve burned, and how many times a night I get up to go to the bathroom. Nosy little thing.

I spend most of my awake time working on my desktop computer and if things are operating properly, I enjoy it. For the sake of this column, I’m considering any machine I have to program as a computer, so let’s take an inventory of my technological life. My printer should count. I have to program it, and about once a week, I have to fix something or other that has gone wrong with it.

I have two thermostats. The instructions are inside the little door. The first thing you have to do when you’re feeling a little chilly and would like to bump up the temperature a few degrees is get a magnifying glass. Since they are both in hallways where the light isn’t bright enough, a flashlight is also required. I wish I had that old-fashioned kind of thermostat where a little lever on the bottom solved your problem, but n-o-o-o-o.

My TVs are all computerized now. I have to operate an assortment of remotes depending on what room I’m in. If I want to watch a DVD, I need two remotes at the same time.

I have a treadmill with a monitor thingie.

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My oven, my microwave, my refrigerator, my coffee pot, my washer, my dryer, and even my landscape watering device, are all in need of programming.

Don’t get me started about changing the time on my car. In the manual, it isn’t in the index under “clock,” which seems to me to be the logical way to list it. After I got out my magnifying glass and leafed through the book, I found it on one of the twenty-something pages that had listings for “Dashboard Instruments.”

I think whoever wrote that book must have been paid by the word.   The old New York telephone directory had fewer words. Speaking of that, when was the last time you used a paper telephone directory?

Now, it’s all on the … you guessed it … computer.